


DESPERATION

by xenobia4



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, M/M, Prostitution, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-06-29 22:33:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15738654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xenobia4/pseuds/xenobia4
Summary: Years after TVXQ disbanded, each of the members went their own way – saying goodbye for what would be the last time they might ever see each other again.Life was going well for them, but for one member, life took a turn for the worse and he found himself desperate and willing to do anything just to get by.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> I initially wrote this back in 2009, when the disbandment was just a rumor (before Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu left and became JYJ and solo artists). 
> 
> That being said, this was long before the international fandom blew up and we knew stars' actual personalities (outside of what we'd see in game shows and whatnot). That and I did wrist this almost a decade ago. (>u<)

** 1 **

Jaejoong lay on his abdomen on a hotel room bed. He arms were underneath the pillow his head was on and his eyes were staring blankly at the small bedside table next to him, staring at the money that was placed upon in. The door to the room closed and he shut his eyes, burying his face in the pillow as he released a muffled yell into it.

It had been three years since Dong Bang Shin Ki went their separate ways. When the lawsuit with SM Entertainment failed to be reconciled, their contract with the company became void – the contract with AVEX followed soon after and the boys found themselves saying their final goodbyes to project managers and crew. What they did not realize was that those very same goodbyes were also going towards each other. Changmin had stayed in contact for the first year, before he went to perform his two years of military duty. According to when he went in, he was due out in a few months. Yunho broke off all contact with all of them – he stopped answering his cellphone and even moved to a new location; where that was, no one knew. Yoochun and Junsu decided they did not want to lose touch with each other, so they stayed in contact and kept a close relationship. They stayed in contact with Jaejoong for a while before the ex-lead vocalist dropped contact, as well.

But everything had a reason…supposedly.

Jaejoong turned his head to look back at the money set out on the table, his mind drifting in thought. More than anything he had wanted to keep contact with the other members, but he did not want them to know what he ended up having to reduce himself to, either. And his pride out-weighed everything.

One thing that the public never found out was that because their contract with both companies ended prematurely, all profits went back to SM Entertainment, including the profits from AVEX, whereas it was because of SM Entertainment that Dong Bang Shin Ki even had a contract with the Japanese music company. That being said, the five members were no more well off than they were before they had signed their contracts in the first place. Some were better off than others in the light.

As for Jaejoong, he found himself doing exactly what he had to do years ago just so he could eat and get off the streets for a night. Not something he was all too proud of, but it was what had to be done and the only thing that he knew he could pull off.

He gripped the pillow and curled up, his entire body tensing. Finding a legit job was almost impossible for him. When he tried to find something – anything – everyone figured that, because he was famous, he had enough money to support himself for life; hence why his job search failed.

He turned to lie on his back and stare up at the ceiling. The money he collected was what would end up paying for the hotel room for the next two nights and food in the days to follow, as well. If only the world could see the famed TVXQ member now. How would the others treat him if they knew what he was reduced to? Sleeping with people he did not even know for a quick buck.

Releasing a breath, he shut his eyes, drifting off into the fatigue that was wracking his body.

* * *

“Omo…I’m so hungry….”

“Then fix something to eat.”

“I’m too lazy.”

Yoochun shook his head as Junsu looked at him from the other end of the couch. The television was on and a movie was currently playing, which was their usual Friday night ritual. After working all week, the two would close the week with their form of Movie Night. The two had moved in with each other after the first few months of the group's disbandment; they split everything fifty-fifty – that included everything from rent on the apartment to the cost of food. Their jobs were basic enough: Yoochun was a cab driver, which worked out rather well since he was able to set his own hours. With the exception of getting robbed once or twice, it was a fair-end deal. Junsu looked around for some form of employment for a while before finally getting a job as a dance instructor at a gym.

Basic enough, but it paid well.

Junsu, who was stretched out on the couch, kicked Yoochun in the leg, which received an annoyed look. “Yoochun,” he whined. “Make me food.”

The older male frowned. “Make your own food.”

Junsu griped loudly. “But you cook better.” He pouted as he looked at Yoochun, trying to seem as pathetic as he could. “Please?”

They locked eyes, have a silent argument before, finally, Yoochun groaned and rolled his neck. “Fine,” he said as he stood up. Junsu looked quite pleased with himself. “But for this, you’re getting the groceries for the week,” he said as he walked to the kitchen that was placed behind the living room. The only thing that separated the two rooms was a half-wall that was also used as a bar.

Junsu turned his head back to watch the movie. “Okay,” he said, a smile on his face.

On the screen, a woman in a wedding dress fell from the top floor of a building, landing in the lobby. People screamed and looked up, seeing another girl looking down with a calm expression on her face.

Junsu heard dishes clanking together in the kitchen and the sound of running water. Hearing the commotion, he started recalling memories of when Jaejoong would cook for them, the group, and make some of the best food. He suddenly started craving one of the old member’s dishes. He released a string of breath and stared incoherently at the television screen, not paying attention to it anymore; instead, he started wondering how the other three ex-members were doing.

They at least knew what Changmin was up to – putting in his service – but the other two they had not heard from in ages. Between Yunho apparently wanting nothing to do with any of the old members and Jaejoong out of contact, he found himself growing concerned.

He sat up on the couch and swung his legs over the side, placing his elbows on his knees as he ran his hand through his hair, then took to his feet and headed towards the kitchen. Seeing him from his peripheral vision, Yoochun turned to put the pot of water on the stove.

“What? Afraid I might poison your food?” Yoochun asked, turning on the burner. Junsu only shrugged and muttered a ‘yeah’. Hearing his tone, the older male turned around and crossed his arms, leaning back on the counter. “I know that tone. What’s wrong?”

Junsu shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets. He bit his bottom lip, shaking his head. “Don’t you ever wonder what the others are doing?”

Yoochun’s expression softened and he uncrossed his arms, allowing his shoulders to drop. “Everyday.” They both went silent, hearing only the movie running in the other room - one of the girls in the film screamed. “But it’s none of our business, you know?”

Junsu nodded. “I know…but…I can’t help but have this feeling that we should make it our business.” Yoochun cocked his head to the side and furrowed his brow, giving him a questioning look. Junsu sighed, looking around the kitchen, everywhere but looking at Yoochun. He finally let his eyes set on the other. “I just feel like something’s wrong. Like…I don’t know.”

Yoochun walked up to him and placed his hand on his shoulder. “Listen, I’m sure the others are doing fine. I mean, Changmin promised he would call us when he got through and…as for Yunho and Jaejoong, what can we do? We tried for an entire year to get in touch with Yunho. And Jaejoong just….” Junsu pursed his lips together and scanned the floor. He could see the uncertainty in Yoochun’s face, making him feel uneasy. “We could always try to find Jaejoong again, though.” At this, Junsu looked up at him, nodding. Yoochun nodded as well. “All right, we’ll do that, okay?”

“Yeah….”

Yoochun patted Junsu’s shoulder and turned back to the pot that had begun to boil. He grabbed the rice that he had already set out, adding the appropriate amount to the water before turning the burner down and setting a lid on the pot. As he set the timer on the microwave for twenty minutes, he spoke back to Junsu.

“Last time we talked to Jaejoong, where was that?” he asked, pressing the ‘set’ button. He turned back to Junsu who was trying to remember.

“Uh…god, that was…almost a year ago.” He watched Yoochun nod. “Um…wasn’t it right outside Seoul?”

“Yeah, but where? I remember that the three of us had breakfast together and hyung said he was in-between jobs.”

They both went silent again as they thought. The younger male was the first to speak up. “Maybe he’s still in that area – got a job and just didn’t have enough free time?”

Yoochun nodded his head incoherently, thinking about it before coming to a possible conclusion. “Let’s head back to that area in the morning. Maybe we can find him. It’s only an hour drive.”

Junsu nodded. Yoochun turned to open the fridge, pulling out an item that was wrapped in white paper. He opened it and turned it over, inspecting it before seeming satisfied and setting it on the counter. As he began cutting up the fish, Junsu turned his head to where he could see the television screen. The main character was now in a locker room checking out a strange noise. His expression dropped and he turned back to Yoochun who still had his back towards him.

“I can’t tomorrow!” he cried out, causing Yoochun to jump at the sudden outcry and drop the knife. He pulled his foot back just as the knife in the floor where his foot had been. He turned back to Junsu, face curious, but also wanting to yell at Junsu for nearly causing him to stab his foot. Shooting a scowl towards his roommate, he bent down to pick up the knife, wondering if he could get away with stabbing the other. He crossed his arms, raising a brow. “The weekend instructor bailed out and I promised them that I would take over for her.”

His eyebrows were furrowed up and he looked heartbroken that he just came to the realization. Yoochun peered off to the side before heading to the sink to wash the blade and commenting on the other’s situation. “Well, you can’t skip out on that.”

“I know….”

“How about this, then,” he said, turning to Junsu and grabbing a towel, drying the knife off. “I’ll try to track him down in the morning and, if I do, maybe we can all catch dinner in the evening or something.” He shrugged. “ _If_ I can find him.” Junsu nodded, but still seemed distraught that he would be unable to go. Yoochun cleared his throat and went back to the fish. “If you’re going to continue standing there, then you can help me cook.” He glanced over his shoulder to see that Junsu was gone from the doorway, apparently back to watching the movie. He snickered and brought his attention fully to the meal so he would not accidentally cut his finger.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years after TVXQ disbanded, each of the members went their own way – saying goodbye for what would be the last time they might ever see each other again.
> 
> Life was going well for them, but for one member, life took a turn for the worse and he found himself desperate and willing to do anything just to get by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awe! Thanks for the feedback, you guys! (^ ^)  
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter, too!

** 2 **

“I’ve never seen him before. Sorry.”

Yoochun nodded, bowing slightly as he thanked the shoppe clerk and left the building. He sighed, looking at the old group picture that was taken candid five years ago – before any drama among the group had even begun and they were all truly happy. Yoochun had been trying to find Jaejoong all morning – he left around the time Junsu did, which was about eight, and now it was almost noon. The only lead they had to go on was the area they were with the ex-member two years prior. He knew it was a long shot, but it was the only chance that he had.

His stomach started growling and he brought his forearm to cross his abdomen.

There was no reason he could not ask people at a café, right?

He began walking down the block, passing people that were with friends and businessmen and women talking on their phones. One of the pluses to no longer being Dong Bang Shin Ki was that there were no crowds of people stalking them or trying to get their autograph every time they stepped foot out of the front door. It was amazing that in just three years, it was like their fame was wiped off of the face of the earth. The saying was right: Fame is fleeting.

He entered a café, a small bell on the door noting his entrance. He was greeted by the clerk behind the counter as he approached it.

“And how are you this morning, sir?” he asked, a friendly smile on his face.

Yoochun nodded. “I’m fine, thank you.”

He scanned the menu that was written on a chalkboard behind the counter up on the wall. “So what can I get for you?”

Yoochun bit his lip before he spoke. “I’ll just have eel and egg, please.” The man nodded as he plugged in the amount for the breakfast into the cash register. Yoochun paid him, but as he put his wallet into his front pocket, he pulled out the picture again. The man turned around to get Yoochun’s food. He opened the sliding glass door that held the food, pulling it out and coming back to the counter to hand it over to his customer. However, before Yoochun left the man’s presence, he called him back. “Excuse me, sir? Uh, have you seen this man,” he asked, holding out the image and pointing out Jaejoong.

To his surprise, the clerk actually nodded.

“Yeah. He comes in a couple days a week. Different hair, though,” he said, which Yoochun replied back by telling him the picture was old. “I’m pretty sure that’s the same guy.”

Having the only lead all morning, Yoochun’s heart raced when he began thinking that he might actually have had a bout of luck. “Do you know where he might be around this time?”

The guy looked down and off to the right, trying to think. Yoochun bit his lip, hoping that it would not be just another dead end. The guy looked back to the other. “Yeah. He’s ordered over the phone before and I think we have his address.” However, he stopped at that, giving Yoochun a curious look. “He a friend of yours?”

Yoochun nodded. “Yeah. We…lost contact a while back ago and I’m just trying to get back in touch with him. Think I could get his address?”

The guy shrugged, leaning his forearms on the counter and leaning in. “I’m really not at liberty to give that to you. You’re not the first person to come looking for him.” Yoochun pursed his lips together, but the clerk seemed unfazed. He dropped his shoulders.

“Please, sir. My friend and I are really worried about him. We just want to make sure he’s okay.” Still, the man refused to say anything.

Was this clerk really going to have him play _that_ card?

It always seemed so pathetic, but it did not appear that this person was going to shift his position unless he did.

He set his hands on the counter, meeting the other’s eyes. “Listen, you may not have realized this, but he _is_ Kim Jaejoong from Dong Bang Shin Ki. You know...that group that broke up a while back ago?” The guy cocked his head to the side. “I’m his old band mate, Park Yoochun. Junsu and I are worried about him and we really need to find him.”

“Mm,” the guy said as he leaned back and stood straight. Yoochun just stared at him, hoping that would work.

“I wondered why you looked so familiar.” He did not say anything after that. It was as though he was still debating whether or not he should give Yoochun the other’s address; or if he believed him. He sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “God, my girlfriend used to be obsessed with that group.” He brought his gaze to Yoochun and brought down his hand. Yoochun just continued to give him a pleading look. He groaned and shut his eyes. “All right, fine.” Yoochun could not hold back the grateful smile that ran across his face. The man turned to the counter behind him and began sifting through a roll of cards that appeared to have names and addresses on them.

Yoochun tapped his fingers on the counter as he waited. Someone else walked into the café, standing behind him as they waited for to get their food and/or coffee. Finally, the man turned back around with a small note card in his hand. He grabbed a pad of paper and pen that was to the left of him and began copying the name and address onto it. He tore off the piece of paper and handed it to Yoochun who immediately bowed as he took the card.

“Thank you so much,” he said as he glanced at the script.

The man nodded. “It’s no trouble.” He saw the person behind Yoochun, and then glanced back to the ex-Dong Bang Shin Ki member. “Good luck, then.” Yoochun took the dismissal, thanking him one last time as he turned to leave.

The small bell on the door dinged as he left the building and he took a better look at the address he was given. Apparently Jaejoong was going by a new nickname, but it was not something that was far from his actual name: Kim Joong was what the card read and the address he was given was that of a hotel, not even an apartment. Even a room number was written on the card, circled on the side: 312.

His first thought was to go back and ask the man if it was a joke. Who in their right mind would be living in a hotel?

It would be impossible for the person the clerk was leading him to would be Jaejoong, but he had to at least check it out. He glanced down the sidewalk and began walking, heading towards the address he was given. Judging by the streets, it was only a few blocks away. He had to stop and ask someone exactly where the hotel was, but finally found himself outside of it, staring up at a six-story building. Inhaling, terrified that he might find just another roadblock, he walked through the revolving door, stepping into a small lobby. A couch and two chairs surrounding a small, glass coffee table were to the right and the front desk was to the left.

The woman at the desk looked up when she say him enter. “Good morning, sir. May I help you?” she said with a very friendly smile and voice.

He walked up to the desk. “Um, yes,” he said, glancing down at the card again. “I’m looking for…Jaejo – Kim Joong?”

The woman did not even turn to check the registrar for Jaejoong’s information; she only nodded. She met his eyes, suddenly going from friendly to stern. “Can you confirm your appointment?” Yoochun gave a quizzical look.

Confirm an appointment? How was he supposed to do that? And appointment for what?

Seeing his expression, the woman shook her head. “If you can’t confirm your appointment, then I’m sorry.”

Yoochun puffed out his cheeks, looking at the card again. Or maybe that was why the number 312 was circled. He looked up at the woman. “Room 312.”

The woman almost seemed to become annoyed at the confirmation. She looked down at the desk and began going through papers, as if trying to seem like she was busy. “Okay,” she said flatly. “Three times.” That was all she said before she dismissed him and headed into the back room.

Standing their dumbfounded, Yoochun shook his head and walked further into the hotel, glancing down the hall to see the elevators. He walked over, pressing the button to go up and stepping inside when the device arrived. Once he pressed the third floor, the doors shut and the elevator began ascending. What was he about to walk in to? 

He had a strange feeling that when the person would answer the door, it would not be Jaejoong and be some stranger that he had never met before. The elevator dinged to announce its arrival and he stepped off onto the third floor. The sign for 300 to 325 was to the right, of the elevators, so he started in that direction, reading the room numbers as he trailed down the hallway. When he was standing in front of the room with 312 in gold numbers on the door, he hesitated before bringing up his hand and wracking three times on the door. He heard shuffling inside before hearing ‘not today’ being muttered as the door latch clicked. The door opened up, revealing a fragile, tired-looking male with short, black hair.

The person rubbed the back of their head with their eyes adverted towards the floor. “I already told you: I’m not taking anyone today,” he said before looking up to see who was bothering him. His entire expression dropped. “Yoochun?”

An air of relief swept over Yoochun at that moment. “Jaejoong, it is you!” he said excitedly; however, Jaejoong did not seem the least bit enthralled with seeing his old band mate.

He seemed nervous.

Jaejoong looked down and stared off to the side, biting his bottom lip. His shoulders became tense and he nodded after seeming to have contemplated something. He stepped back, shaking his head. “Uh…come on in,” he said blandly as he turned and walked further into the room. Yoochun took the invite and pushed the door open, walking inside to where Jaejoong had apparently been staying for however long. Clothes were strewn throughout the small room, and the television was on, but the bed was made. The door shut behind him. Jaejoong sat down on the bed, folding his legs. “So…what do you want?” he asked, trying to avoid eye contact.

Yoochun furrowed his eyebrows together, trying to understand what was going on. “Hyung, aren’t you happy to see me?” Jaejoong’s expression stayed the same. “We’ve been trying to find you for damn near two years! We’re worried about you.”

Jaejoong blinked, glancing to Yoochun, but still not making eye contact. “We?”

Yoochun sighed and stood at the foot of the bed. “Junsu and me.” He shook his head. “I’d thought you’d be happy?”

Jaejoong just shrugged, leaning backwards. “I am happy…. Glad to hear you’re doing well.” Yoochun gave him an intent stare. “Really. I am. So…you and Junsu are still in touch?”

Yoochun nodded, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Yeah. We’re splitting rent.” He continued to just study the other, as if he was trying to gain access into the other’s thoughts. Jaejoong looked at the table next to the bed.

“Splitting rent, huh? You’re living together?”

Yoochun nodded. “Yeah….” What was wrong? This definitely was not the Jaejoong from Dong Bang Shin Ki – not the Jaejoong they had all come to know so well. This man – no – this boy sitting in front of him was closed and defensive. What had happened to the strong, outgoing person? “Jaejoong…what happened to you?” he asked, eyebrows furrowing out of concern. The other ignored the question. “Hyung….”

Just then, three knocks came to the door, drawing Yoochun’s attention. Jaejoong shut his eyes and shook his head. When the three knocks came again, Jaejoong stood up, shaking slightly as he walked over to the door, grabbing the handle and cracking it open. Yoochun heard the same thing said to the person knocking that Jaejoong had said to him when he came up to the room.

“I’m not taking anyone today. I’m off,” he said quietly. “I’ve told you this already.”

But another voice was quick to answer him. “Come on. It’s two hundred – how can you turn that down?”

“Easily.”

Yoochun saw Jaejoong step back as the door was pushed open, revealing two men. One was the same height as Jaejoong, only thicker; and the other was taller and rather broad. Instinctively, Yoochun took to his feet. Both of the men glanced towards him and the taller of the two snickered.

“Oh…I get it,” he said, leering at Jaejoong who was now looking at the floor; his shoulders were hunched over as he shook his head. “Come on…you’re really gonna ditch out for this pathetic wimp?” Yoochun raised a brow and crossed his arms. The man stood as close to Jaejoong and reached his arm down, groping Jaejoong's groin. Yoochun uncrossed his arms and took a step forward, adrenaline pumping, but when he realized that Jaejoong never intended to do anything, he hit the realization. The man leaned in close to Jaejoong, right by his ear and spoke barely to where Yoochun could hear him. “Whatever he’s paying you, I’ll double it.”

Yoochun saw Jaejoong nod lightly. “Okay…,” he muttered quietly. “Give me twenty minutes, all right?”

The man stepped back, a grin on his face. “Now that’s more like it. See you in twenty, then,” he said smugly, grabbing the door handle and shutting it behind him and his partner.

Jaejoong just stood in the same spot, not moving; all the while, Yoochun’s mouth was open and he just stared at the other’s back in shock. He did not know what to say – what was there to say?

This was what the prized lead-vocalist of Dong Bang Shin Ki was now doing to get by?

The first question to come to Yoochun’s mind was, “Why?” He did not verbalize that, but he surely wanted to know. Why would Jaejoong not call him or Junsu and ask for help? Instead, all he was able to get out was:

“H – Hyung….”

He watched as Jaejoong shook his head before turning to face him, still not making eye contact. “Happy now?” Jaejoong asked bluntly, the corners of his mouth formed into a sneer. “You want to keep asking questions, Yoochun?”

Yoochun’s expression was unchanging, but he did shut his mouth from the gape it was in. Then the question slipped out of his mouth. “But…why?” There had to be a logical, reasonable explanation.

“I’m not as lucky as you all, okay?” Jaejoong's voice was flooding with aggravation and guilt. “I didn’t have any useful skills outside of Dong Bang Shin Ki like you. This is all I know how to do – the only thing I’m good at…. And the only reason people even care.”

“That’s not true, Jaejoong, and you know it,” Yoochun retorted, eyes glazing over. His mind could not grasp how the beautiful heart of Kim Jaejoong could ever convince himself that he was worth nothing. “What about us, huh?” he asked, meaning him and the other ex-members. “You know we care about you. You’re like our brother, Jaejoong. You’re better than this.”

Jaejoong shook his head, staring at the floor. “Yunho never thought so. He didn’t want anything to do with me….”

Yoochun’s entire expression fell, looking at Jaejoong in shock. His brows furrowed, trying to get the words out of his mouth. “Is that what you think?” Jaejoong did not reply. “Is that why? Because of Yunho?” The entire reason Jaejoong had forgone contact was over something so long ago - something that was never a hangup to anyone else. “Jaejoong, Yunho stopped talking to all of us – it wasn’t just you. Whatever his problems were or are, they’re just that: _His problems._ You had nothing to do with how he acted.”

Jaejoong shook his head again, bringing up his gaze to meet Yoochun’s for the first time since the younger member had stepped through the threshold. Meeting his eyes, Yoochun was hit with a sense of hurt. What Jaejoong had been dragged through suddenly made him feel worse. He could see the fatigue and weight Jaejoong was carrying just in his eyes and his heart sunk because of it.

He was…broken.

“Yunho promised….” Jaejoong suddenly jerked, changing his mind on what to say. “I made him hate me.” Yoochun shut his mouth, not having the chance to get in a reply. “With the way I acted our last months as Dong Bang Shin Ki, why wouldn’t he hate me?” He released a strange laugh. “I never even had anywhere to go….”

Yoochun pursed his lips together, finally reaching a conclusion about his elder’s situation.

“Then come stay with us. You can live with me and Junsu,” Yoochun bargained, placing his hands on Jaejoong’s shoulders.

The oldest male still shook his head ‘no’. “I’ve been a burden to everyone long enough, okay?”

Yoochun looked at him, eyebrows up. “Jaejoong, you’ve never been a burden to anyone. Where would you even get that kind of idea?” Jaejoong only shrugged. “Please, hyung. Come stay with us.”

Jaejoong pulled back and moved his arm, getting Yoochun to remove his hands from his shoulders. “Don’t you get it, Yoochun?!” he cried out at him, eyes red and bloodshot. “I can’t go back! I can never just ‘go back’! That’s not even an option!”

“Hyung!”

“Just go, Yoochun!” Jaejoong yelled at him, eyes glazing before he pulled his gaze away. “Go and live your lives, all right?! Be happy with Junsu and just forget about me.” He looked back to the other male, water tinging the edges of his eyes. “I’m not worth your concern.”

“But Jaejoong—”

“Just go,” he cut Yoochun off as he opened the door, beckoning him to leave. “I don’t care where you go. I don’t care what you do. Just…stay out of my life and worry about your own.” Yoochun walked towards the door, looking at the ex-vocalist.

“Please--”

“Go. Just get out…and don’t come back.” Jaejoong’s voice was hardly above a whisper, and as Yoochun walked out of the room, Jaejoong slammed the door behind him.

Yoochun stood staring at the wall for another minute, mind running over everything that had just happened. There had to be something he could do to help. There was no way he could just sit by and let Jaejoong continue to self-destruct – he was better than that; and the fact that Jaejoong did not believe that was shocking, to say the least. One thing he was certain and that was that there was no way he would be able to do it on his own.

He had to tell Junsu. There was no other way. Maybe together they could come up with a solution.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years after TVXQ disbanded, each of the members went their own way – saying goodbye for what would be the last time they might ever see each other again.
> 
> Life was going well for them, but for one member, life took a turn for the worse and he found himself desperate and willing to do anything just to get by.

**3**

“A deal’s a deal,” the man said as he tossed a rolled up wad of money onto the bed to an exasperated Jaejoong who barely even nodded in response. He walked towards the door, but after his friend walked out, he glanced back to Jaejoong who was now rubbing his neck. “Oh and there’s a little surprise in there, too.” With that said, he left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Jaejoong licked the inside of his lip as he stared at his payment, wondering what with it could be so special. He decided to at least clean himself up before he even touched his ‘blood money’; and with that, he grabbed his fallen jeans and headed towards the restroom. He set his jeans on the back of the latrine and started the shower, not feeling like taking a bath. Right now he just wanted to get rid of all the evidence.

With the surprise visit from Yoochun earlier that day, he felt even worse with what he was doing than he had before. For some reason, he was back to feeling the same way he did like the first night he had to sleep with someone for a place to stay after Dong Bang Shin Ki disbanded. He recalled scrubbing himself nearly raw afterwards and being in the bath until the water had gone cold.

He stepped into the shower once it was up to the appropriate temperature, shutting the curtain. He let his head fall back, allowed the water to hit him in the face as it ran down his body and down the drain. Thoughts were not easing his mind at the moment and he suddenly found himself growing angry – not only at himself, but at everything and everyone. He set his hands on the shower wall in front of him and leaned forward, staring at the drain. He was starting to become angry at Yoochun, even, for showing up in the first place and blamed him for his current string of thoughts.

Why could he not just leave him alone and let him live his pathetic life without the constant reminder of what used to be? He knew that Yoochun would end up telling Junsu and that just made him angrier; everyone would know his dirty little secret. There would be no way to escape it.

Even Changmin was subject to his current frustrations. Why did the youngest have to be first to go off and put in his two years? At least he and Changmin had been close for the most part – it was no secret that the youngest ex-member always had a crush on him, no matter how much Changmin always tried to hide it.

Maybe if Changmin had been around….

Jaejoong shook his head for even allowing that thought to enter his head.

And Yunho….

Just thinking about their old leader infuriated him and he released a yell, punching the tiled wall. It cut his knuckles, but he could not have cared less.

Why did Yunho have to go off and leave him all alone? They were so close and harnessed such strong feelings for each other; but it was obvious to Jaejoong that Yunho did not care about the bond they used to share. Without a word, he just up and left to never be heard from again – after he had promised him—

Jaejoong released another cry and punched the wall again, this time with more force. He found himself in a rage and he started screaming and hitting the tile over and over again, all the while cursing at Yunho for all the pain he was causing him.

“Why the hell did you leave me?!” he shouted, his fists becoming bloodied from hitting the wall again and again. “You promised! You promised, damn it! Liar!! I hate you! I HATE YOU!!” Tears streamed down his face, but were hidden by the running water. He began tearing at the shower curtain, ripping it from the rings and pulling it to where part of it was at his feet in the tub and the other half was on the floor outside of the tub. He fell backwards, his back hitting the opposite shower wall as he slid to the bottom of the shower, eyes clamped shut as he continued to say ‘I hate you’.

By the time he stepped out of the shower, the water had run out of hot water and he felt warmer once he shut off the water. As he dried off, he looked at the fallen shower curtain. The hotel maids had to have been annoyed with him enough as it was; at least once a week something in the room would end up torn or broken. Though, rarely was it ever his doing. He thought that maybe he would try to put the curtain back up, but he noticed that the holes for the rings had been completely ripped; he could not fix it if he tried. He shook the thought from his head as he grabbed his jeans and put them on. He left the towel he used to dry off on the floor and walked out of the bathroom, not bothering to shut off the light.

With his mind racing like it was, he had a strange feeling that, like many other nights, his usual dose of sleeping narcotics would have to be used to knock him out.

The first thing to grab his attention was the rolled up cash sitting on the bed. He walked over, sat on the bed and grabbed the roll, staring at it – inspecting it. Swallowing, thoughts still ran through his head on why this was so special – how degrading himself for cash was special. The thought made him sneer, but he grabbed the band that held the money in the tight roll and took it off, unrolling the cash. A slip of folded up paper fell out, but first he decided to at least count his earnings to make sure he was not being gypped.

It was the amount they had agreed to and he set it on the table next to the bed, bringing his gaze back to the folded up paper that had fallen out. Picking it up, he started to unfold it, yet once he had it unfolded, his chest sunk and he could feel his eyes start to burn.

What the bloody hell was going on today?

First Yoochun shows up at his door after near two years of no contact, and then this.

He stared at the paper, reading the written information a thousand times over, as if trying to confirm what he eyes were beholding. He remembered telling the man that left that trying to get this information was part of the deal, but, to be honest, he did not expect him to actually follow through with it.

He glanced to his cellphone that sat next to the alarm clock on the bedside table. This, apparently, would be one of the few times he would use it to make an outgoing call; normally it was only used for incoming calls from clients. The only question was whether or not he would be able to muster up the guts to actually dial the number written on the paper.

It had been three years….

And would the person on the other end even answer the phone?

He looked back to the paper.

Sure, he had changed his cellphone number, so it was not like the other would recognize the number, but the acid churning in his stomach was causing him to grow even more nervous. He shook his head, telling himself to stop acting like some high school girl calling her crush for the first time, and to just pick up the damn phone and dial the number. After all, he was a grown man and feeling nervous over something as trivial as this was inane. Finally talking himself into it, he grabbed his phone and dialed the number, pressing the receiver to his ear and listening to the other line ring.

It rang about three times before the other end picked up.

“Hello?” Yunho’s voice came through.

A lump suddenly formed in Jaejoong’s throat and he had to swallow several times before he could even get up the energy to speak.

“Hello?” Yunho’s voice repeated. “Who is this?”

Heart pounding hard in his chest, Jaejoong got out “Yun – Yunho?”

The other end went silent, but he could tell that Yunho was still connected. There was a long moment’s pause, but to the ex-vocalist it seemed to drag on much longer than that. Feeling there had been a long enough silence, Jaejoong repeated the other’s name. “Yunho…?”

And that was it.

The other line went dead – no. The other line had ended the call.

Jaejoong just sat there, staring at the black television screen that was directly in front of him at the end of the bed with the phone still held up to his ear. His sight switched to tunnel vision as he began to tune everything out except the click of the dead line. His face began to grow hot and his eyes started to sting as they glazed over, becoming red and puffy. A chill ran through his spine.

Here he was; so close to talking to Yunho again and the other hangs up on him? What was that supposed to mean? Did he honestly hate Jaejoong that much – that he would go to such lengths to avoid him? Or maybe he was being pessimistic about it and Yunho just did not recognize his voice. After all, the number was different and whatnot, so what was to say that the other thought it was someone else and _that_ was why he hung up the phone? The other end could have just gotten disconnected. Perhaps he should try calling again, just to make sure.

So he did.

He brought his phone down, pressing the ‘end call’ button before redialing Yunho’s number. He put the phone back against his ear, waiting for the other end to ring.

Once.

Twice.

Then it switched to voicemail.

“You’ve reached Yunho. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I ca—”

Jaejoong pulled the phone back to end the call before the answering machine had a chance to pick up. He really did not want to seem pushy, but every excuse on why Yunho was not picking up continued to run through his head. He had to try again…just one more time.

* * *

“Are you sure about this?”

“Maybe if both of us go, we can convince him,” Yoochun said as he started the car. “I know it’s late, but I bet he’s still up.”

Junsu nodded as he reached over to grab his seatbelt and buckle himself in. He looked back to Yoochun who began backing out of the parking spot in the apartments’ parking lot. As they pulled out of the parking lot onto the main road, Yoochun glanced sideways to Junsu, moving his arm to set his hand on Junsu’s leg. “Listen, the way Jaejoong was today, I know he wants to take me up on that offer. I just…don’t think he knows how.”

Junsu looked out through the windshield in front of him, watching where they were headed and streetlights pass by as they drove underneath them. He was with Yoochun one hundred percent of the way, it was just that he was terrified about seeing Jaejoong in his current state – he always knew the oldest member as being happy and outgoing; seeing him otherwise…he just did not know what to think. Was it selfish for him to think such things? He knew it was, but he could not stop those thoughts.

He shrugged at his own thought string and it attracted Yoochun’s attention who gave him a curious look. Junsu only shook his head to dismiss it.

He glanced at the clock that was showing nine twenty-two; and what with it being an hour’s drive away, he was still questioning what took them so long to make this decision in the first place.

Both of them were hoping they could convince Jaejoong to stay with them, and Junsu found himself playing out positive and negative scenarios in his head. A positive scenario was that Jaejoong would agree and they could help him pack up his items and be back on the road towards their apartment by midnight. The negative scenario that Jaejoong would still refuse, yell at both of them, and then move to a new location where they could not find him seemed highly plausible, as well.

Junsu suddenly had the urge to hit his head over and over on the dashboard.

“It’s all going to work out,” Yoochun said, though Junsu wondered if he was actually talking to him or just talking to himself. “I know it will…. It has to.”

Junsu only nodded to the rhetorical statements Yoochun was muttering.

With their anxiety, the drive seemed to take much longer than an hour. With few people out on the roads, there was not any traffic, so that was a plus; but it still felt like it took hours. They did pass by what looked like a drug bust. Three cop cars, all with lights on, had pulled over a black car and were searching through it as the car’s occupants stood handcuffed. Other than that, there was nothing else going on other than what was running through their minds.

An hour later, Yoochun was pulling into a hotel parking lot and it took Junsu a minute to register that the car had even stopped. Yoochun shut off the engine, releasing a breath before he looked at Junsu.

“Ready?” he asked with a curious look.

Junsu nodded. “I hope so.”

The other agreed and, after they unbuckled themselves, stepped out of the car, shutting the doors behind them. Yoochun pressed the automatic lock for the doors as they started to walk towards the hotel’s main door. Yoochun was the first to walk into the building, but the lobby was completely empty. The door behind the front desk was open and they could hear someone on the phone, but since they (or at least Yoochun) already knew where they were headed, they did not feel the need to make themselves known and just headed straight to the elevators. As soon as the button was pressed, the doors opened and they stepped inside, Yoochun automatically pressing for the third floor.

“Have you even thought of how we’re going to go about this?” Junsu asked as the device began to ascend.

Yoochun only shrugged. “Not really. Figured we would just say exactly how we feel and that we really do what him to come stay with us.”

Junsu nodded in agreement. “I don’t care what we have to do. I just…want to know that Jaejoong’s safe. And as long as he’s doing what he’s doing, that’s not going to happen.” Yoochun looked at the elevator doors as they just passed the second floor. “He has to come with us…. I’ll drag him out of here myself if I have to.”

Yoochun laughed and stood straight as the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened. “You and me both.”

They exited the device, but as they walked down the hall, Junsu could not help but ask.

“How are we getting in, anyway? After what you told me, there’s no way Jaejoong’s going to just open the door and welcome us in.”

Yoochun shook his head and reached into his back pocket. “You have little faith, Junsu.” He pulled out a card from his pocket and flashed it in front of the younger male. He smirked as Junsu looked at the hotel key. “I snatched this from his room while he was busy talking to someone else.”

Junsu shook his head. “You haven’t changed a bit, Yoochun.”

Yoochun only shrugged. “You already knew that.”

Junsu did not reply and they came up to room 312. Yoochun brought up his hand and knocked on the door; just a regular knock. No special Three Knocks.

“Jaejoong, it’s me,” Yoochun spoke, giving away their presence. There was no response from inside. “Listen, hyung, I know you told me earlier, but…I just can’t, okay? And Junsu’s here, too.” He looked to Junsu, giving a small motion with his head, meaning for Junsu to make himself known.

“Jaejoong…please. We just want to talk, okay?”

There was still silence on the other end of the door. Yoochun sighed, bringing up the card key to the lock. “Jaejoong, if you don’t answer, we’re coming in anyway. I have a key.” Still nothing. “Okay….” He inserted the key and, when it flashed green, he pushed down on the handle and pushed the door open.

He slowly stepped into the room, Junsu right behind him. What they saw was Jaejoong asleep on the bed. He was on his side so that his back was to them. Yoochun sighed, approaching the bed.

“Jaejoong, wake up,” he said as he walked around the bed, standing in front of Jaejoong’s sleeping figure. The other was sleeping in his jeans. Jaejoong’s cellphone was in his hand in front of his face on top of a piece of paper; the screen was showing an outgoing call. This peaked Yoochun’s curiosity and he leaned down, placing his hand on Jaejoong’s shoulder. “Hyung, it’s me. Wake up.”

Junsu came up behind him, his foot kicking an empty bottle that was lying on the floor near the bed. He bent down to pick it up and set it on the table. He could not help but see what it was for. His expression dropped and he jerked his head towards Yoochun, face panic-stricken. “Yoochun!” he called for the other’s attention. Yoochun turned his head to see what he was yelling about and Junsu only held up the bottle; the empty bottle of sleeping pills.

His eyes, too, became wide and he jerked his attention back to Jaejoong, grabbing both of his shoulders and shaking him violently. “Jaejoong!” Jaejoong’s body just limply moved with the strong shake, his phone falling on the floor along with the paper. “ _Shit!_ ” Yoochun cursed in English. “Call an ambulance!” he shouted at Junsu who was already ahead of him and doing just that. He turned back to Jaejoong and shook him again, the other still unresponsive. “Jaejoong! JAEJOONG! WAKE UP!”

“We need an ambulance!” Yoochun heard Junsu shout into his phone in the background. “Please! My friend’s overdosed!”

Yoochun heard Junsu giving the hotel’s name to the Emergency Operator and explaining the situation as he leaned over Jaejoong, placing his hands overlapping on Jaejoong’s chest and pushing down repeatedly.. “Damn it, Jaejoong! Don’t you do this!” he yelled, tears falling down his face. He leaned down, pinching Jaejoong’s nose shut as he breathed air into the other’s lungs. He went back to pumping at his chest. “ _Fuck!_ ” he cursed again in English. “Come on, Jaejoong! Come on! Don’t do this! _DON’T YOU FUCKING DO THIS!!_ ”

Minutes later, EMTs came into the room with a stretcher. They pushed Yoochun and Junsu out of the way to get to Jaejoong. One of them leaned down to check Jaejoong’s pulse. He shook his head.

He relayed the information to his partner before they began taking out the AED. For the next few minutes, they tried several times to get Jaejoong's heart started, but each time left the line flat. After getting no vital response, they finally loaded Jaejoong onto a gurney and left the room. They called the name of the hospital to the two males behind them so they would know where to go if they lost track of the ambulance.

Yet, before he headed out the door to follow, Junsu could not help but grab Jaejoong’s phone and the piece of paper that was next to it on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone's still enjoying it.   
> If you are, let me know!


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years after TVXQ disbanded, each of the members went their own way – saying goodbye for what would be the last time they might ever see each other again.
> 
> Life was going well for them, but for one member, life took a turn for the worse and he found himself desperate and willing to do anything just to get by.

** 4 **

There was a loud banging on the door to an apartment. They did not cease the pounding until the door finally opened up. The moment they were given access, the one creating the noise pushed the door all the way open when they grabbed the apartment’s attendant by their shirt collar and shoved them against the closest wall.

“I’m gonna kill you!” Yoochun shouted at a stunned Yunho as he shoved him harder against the wall in Yunho’s apartment. “I should fucking kill you!” he yelled, bringing up his right fist and punching Yunho across the face, causing him to cut the inside of his mouth on his teeth. Yoochun refused to give him a chance to get in a word and repeated his actions. “It’s you’re fault!” He hit him again, ignoring the shouts from Junsu behind him, telling him to stop. “Everything’s your fault!” And he punched him again, his own fist hurting, but he just kept his other hand with a firm grip on the collar of their ex-leader’s shirt so he could keep moving him back into his hitting range. Yunho was grabbing his shoulders and pushing against his abdomen, trying to get away from the coming blows, but the other was in a fury and did not halt.

Junsu arrested Yoochun’s hand when he had pulled back to inflict another hit. “Yoochun, stop it!” he cried out, grabbing him around the chest with his other arm and pulling him away from Yunho. Yoochun fought against him, trying to tear back at Yunho who was leaning against the wall and wiping his face with his wrist, blood smearing on his wrist and hand.

“What’s your problem?!” he shouted at Yoochun from his position against the wall.

Yoochun jerked against Junsu, trying to lunge again at Yunho. “It’s because of you! You did this!!”

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

“Yoochun!”

“You killed him!” Yoochun shouted at the older male, his eyebrows furrowed and his brow-line creased. He did not care about the obviously angered and confused look on his elder’s face. Seeing him confused, it just brought back up another wave of rage and he tried breaking away from Junsu again, but the other held fast, not letting his hold falter. “You’re a damn murderer, Yunho!” He stopped trying to get away from Junsu, his breath ridged and small beads of sweat dripping down his face. “How does it feel knowing you killed someone that loved you, Yunho?!”

All of the anger that had previously shown on Yunho’s face was gone, replaced with nothing but confusion. He wiped his face again, this time wiping the blood that got on his hand on his white t-shirt, but not taking his gaze away from Yoochun. He glanced up to Junsu whose eyes were red as he looked off to the side at the floor.

“Either one of you care to tell me what the hell you’re on about?” He licked the inside of his lip before swallowing; his jaw was tensed.

“Jaejoong’s dead!” Yoochun shouted at him. His words caused Junsu to flinch and Yunho to jerk back and stare at him intently, as if he was not registering what he was being told.

He shook his head, eyebrows knitted together and the left side of his lip came up as he spoke. “Th – That’s not possible,” he said in a nearly sarcastic tone.

“Oh?!” Yoochun asked with the same sarcastic attitude. “And how the fuck would you know?”

Yunho stood straight, crossing his arms. “Because Jaejoong called here a few hours ago, that’s why.” At this, Yoochun only narrowed his eyes. He did not respond right away, but he could sense that Junsu was no longer paying attention that he was supposed to be holding him back. Yoochun took advantage of the slacked defense and used it to lunge back at Yunho, shoving him against the wall again to where their faces were mere centimeters away. Junsu stepped forward, but did not try restraining his elder again.

“Then what the hell did you say to him?!” he yelled, shoving Yunho even harder against the wall.

“Nothing!” Yunho responded defensively as he grabbed Yoochun’s forearms, ready to fight back if he needed to.

Yoochun scoffed, closing the distance between them to where their noses were touching. “I very highly doubt you said nothing to him after three years,” he said in a low, threatening voice.

Yunho stayed silent, unsure how to explain - unsure if he would even be believed.

“So tell me, _hyung_ ,” Yoochun spat out the last word, voice still low. “What exactly did you say to him?” His entire jaw was clenched as he stared menacingly into Yunho’s eyes, waiting for the other’s response. He knew that, behind him, Junsu was on edge, but he did not care. For that matter, he was pretty sure Junsu did not care what happened to Yunho, but he could be wrong.

“Nothing,” Yunho said, trying to sound just as threatening in vocal tone. “He called and I hung up.” He could see and feel Yoochun’s entire body tense up, and Yunho was sure that he was about to receive another hit across the face. However, the look in Yoochun’s eyes changed and, instead of his brows being knitted, he moved them up, unsure whether he was angry or not. He saw his old band mate’s eyes begin to glaze over and Yoochun just shoved him against the wall before he stepped back.

They stared at each other for a moment, not saying anything; but as tears began seeping from Yoochun’s eyes, Yunho’s expression dropped entirely and he found himself shaking his head.

“You just hung up on him?” Yoochun asked to reassure, still angered as more tears slipped out.

Yunho glanced down, scanning the floor in front of him and he found that, like Yoochun’s, his eyes, too, began glazing over and stinging. “No…,” he said, bringing his gaze back to the other. He looked at Junsu, too, who had gone back to staring at the floor before going back to Yoochun. “Jaejoong’s…no…that can’t be.”

“Well, it is,” Yoochun said, staring at Yunho in what looked almost like disgust.

Yunho’s ducts finally gave way and he, too, had water fall down his cheeks. “H – How?” he asked quietly, looking at Yoochun.

“He overdosed,” Junsu said barely above a whisper, attracting Yunho’s attention, who could only stare at him in shock; his eyes were wide.

“Yeah. He overdosed on sleeping pills,” Yoochun followed up, bringing the elder’s attention back to him. “He killed himself because YOU wouldn’t pick up your damn phone!” Yoochun went to lunge back at Yunho, but Junsu grabbed his arm to stop him. “All he wanted to do was just talk to you! But I guess you think you’re too good to talk to him, is that right?!”

“No!”

“Then what?! Why the hell couldn’t you spare five goddamn minutes to just talk to him?! All he ever did was fucking love you! And I can’t for the life of me understand why!” Yoochun ignored the fact that Yunho was crying. He was just so angry. Angry at Yunho for just disappearing; angry at Jaejoong for killing himself; and angry at his own self for not saving Jaejoong – for not showing up in time to save him. “So tell me something, Yunho. Jaejoong said you promised him something.” He saw Yunho flinch, so he knew that Yunho knew exactly what he was talking about. “What was this ‘promise’ that Jaejoong was talking about?”

Yunho tore his gaze away from Yoochun, staring at the floor in front of him. Even Junsu brought his eyes to look at Yunho, wanting to know the answer, too. Yunho felt their stares and they were like daggers piercing his flesh; but he knew that neither one of them would let up unless he told them. No matter how much he did not want to say it, he truly did not want to be pummeled again.

He swallowed hard, not looking up from the floor.

“That I, uh…I would always be there…if he needed me….”

He knew, without looking, that the other two were staring at him in disbelief. He could barely believe it himself. He made that promise to Jaejoong years ago when the two of them were inseparable and happy – long before any inner turmoil had started.

“And how fucking well that played out,” Yoochun said, bluntly as he turned and walked out of the apartment.

It was three in the morning and Jung Yunho was just finding out that his old band mate was dead, and that his old mate's last action was trying to get in touch with him. How was that even possible? Jaejoong was always so carefree and ready to take on anything – what could have driven his mentality to even consider such a thing? He wanted to know. He had to ask, but perhaps now was not the appropriate time. Not while wounds were fresh and still bleeding.

After everyone had calmed down enough to where they were not about to start tearing at each others’ throats, Yoochun and Junsu told Yunho where they were currently residing and they all exchanged phone numbers; though the lot of them were moving about as though in a trance. Junsu and Yoochun did explain, however, how they were able to track down their old leader; that the way Jaejoong had acquired Yunho’s phone number, the address was written upon it, as well. None of them knew how Jaejoong was able to get Yunho’s information, but Yoochun and Junsu had a hunch that they kept secret and did not bother to relay.

At around four thirty that morning, they said their goodbyes, that they would keep in touch, and Yunho found himself lightly closing the door behind them. After he locked the door, he headed back towards his bedroom, running hand through his hair. He just could not wrap his mind around the thought that Jaejoong was truly gone – that there was no way to ever reconcile with him. He did love him…more than anyone; and he wanted to get back in touch with him, but he did not know where to start. He had wanted to talk to him, he just did not know what to say. When he had answered the phone and heard Jaejoong on the other end, he panicked and hung up. Jaejoong kept calling to get in touch with him, but he could not bring himself to just answer and talk to him.

He had wanted to plan out what to say to him.

And now he would never get that chance.

He had put his phone on silent and decided to sleep on it. He had intended to call Jaejoong in the morning after having a chance to think. He found himself crying as he sat on the edge of his bed, hands covering his face as he inhaled sharply.

More than anything he wanted to see him again, but they had all left each other on such bad terms. He thought that Jaejoong hated _him._ Not the other way around. Now the only chance he ever had to talk to him – to see him – was gone.

He did not know how long his sat there mourning the loss of the one person he truly loved, but by the time he stopped, he was so exhausted that he could barely keep his eyes open. He stood up and walked to the edge of his bed, lifting up the covers and climbing under them. When he reached over and shut off his light, he was just about to shut his eyes when he saw the red flash on his phone flicker next to the lamp, showing that he had a message. His first thought was to wait until morning, but then the thought ran across his head that he should check it and he suddenly felt the need to check it – like it was a matter of life and death.

He grabbed the phone, the charger attached to it, and pressed a button bring up the screen. There were four missed calls from the number Jaejoong had called him from and one voicemail; the time next to it was nine seventeen p.m. His chest weighed heavy as he pressed the call button to connect to his voicemail. The voice began running through the usual nonsense: ‘You have one missed called from phone number….’ He urged the computerized voice to just hurry up.

Then the voicemail started up:

_“Yunho?_ ” Jaejoong’s voice flooded from the receiver. “ _Yunho…I know that…I’m probably being pushy calling so many times. It’s just…I want to hear your voice….”_ Jaejoong’s voice inhaled sharply from crying. _“Please, Yunho…just pick up. I want to hear your voice…._ ” There was an elongated pause. “ _I love you, Yunho…so much. More than anyone. But…I know that if you knew you would hate me more than you already do. It’s just,”_ another sharp inhale, “ _I don’t know what else to do. You promised, Yunho…that you would be there for me. Remember what I told you about my past? About…what I had to do?”_ Yunho’s chest grew heavier and he started crying again. Jaejoong had told him about being young and leaving home before Dong Bang Shin Ki…and what he had to do for money for the first few weeks. _“I need you, now…please…. I don’t…want to go to sleep, yet, Yunho…. I just want…us to be how we used to be. I want…you.”_

More tears fell from his eyes as he continued to listen to the message.

There was a long pause before Jaejoong’s voice picked up again, but throughout the moments of pausing, Yunho could hear Jaejoong breathing long, deep breaths. After a few minutes, it went on.

“ _Ha…. Remember when…we were filming for our Japanese release of ‘Rising Sun’ and…the shirt I was wearing?”_ Jaejoong laughed softly. “ _You said that…”you would”. I didn’t understand what you meant and Yoochun had to explain it to me.”_ He laughed softly again, voice drifting. “ _You all…laughed at my reaction and Changmin scolded you for making me feel embarrassed.”_ Another laugh. “ _I remember what he said. “Hyung, don’t make Jaejoong be embarrassed! It’s not nice!” And then you made it up to me by cooking dinner for me…. And it was so horrible, but you were so proud and I didn’t want to make you feel bad…so I ate it. Because it was something from you, it was still good.”_ Yunho had to cover his mouth with his free hand to try and stifle his cries so he could hear the rest of the message.

There was another pause.

“ _Yunho…you told me about Paradise after death, remember? And you said how each person’s Paradise is different and is…suited to the individual’s deepest desires? Well…I know what’s in mine,”_ he spoke in a whisper, now. “ _The five of us…Dong Bang Shin Ki being happy. How we used to be…. Always smiling and…always happy. And…you’ll be there, Yunho…with me. We’ll be…together. Like the old days before….”_ There was another pause and Jaejoong suddenly inhaled sharply again, releasing choking cries as he spoke. “ _I’m scared, Yunho. What if Paradise isn’t…there? And I never get to see you again?”_ He choked on a sob. “ _I don’t want to die, Yunho…. Not before I get to see you again. Not before…I can feel you with me again.”_

There was another long pause.

_“I know I’ll be okay,”_ Jaejoong’s voice came out in a whisper. _“Because Yunho told me so. Because you promised that…you’d always be here if I needed you…and because you love me, right? I love you, Yunho…and I…know I can trust you. And…if you say Paradise is real…then it must be. So…I’m not afraid. I know that…we’ll be together and…I’m not scared.”_ Jaejoong released a long exhale. _“I love you, Yunho…more than anyone in the world. I just miss you so much. Please…just promise me, Yunho. …don’t forget me, okay?”_

There were a few more minutes of Jaejoong breathing steadily into the phone – sleeping; but after a few minutes of him breathing, the entire line went silent. The voicemail was still going, however, and Yunho’s cries became violent when he realized that was it – that was the last thing Jaejoong said before the pills had completely taken effect to where he would never wake up again.

With the phone still to his ear, and after an allotted amount of silence on the other end, in the background of the phone, Yunho could hear knocking and Yoochun’s voice. He heard him tell Jaejoong to wake up and then the panic when the others had realized what Jaejoong had done. He heard Yoochun screaming for Jaejoong to wake up and Junsu shouting to the Emergency Operator; the EMTs talking as they said Jaejoong had no pulse, and then yelling the hospital name; the phone being picked up and, finally, the call ended and the voicemail computer pick back up giving the call back information.

Yunho brought his phone in front of him as he lay on his side, clutching his phone and shifting to the fetal position under the covers on his bed as he continued to cry, releasing his emotions. The pillow absorbed the fallen water and Yunho just started yelling – yelling for Jaejoong again and again.

Yelling apologies he knew would never be heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hurt me. (> ; - ;)>


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years after TVXQ disbanded, each of the members went their own way – saying goodbye for what would be the last time they might ever see each other again.
> 
> Life was going well for them, but for one member, life took a turn for the worse and he found himself desperate and willing to do anything just to get by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter.

** 5 **

The wind picked up, rustling the tops of trees and causing a small chill in the air. Pink blossoms on the trees were in full-bloom; the grass a light, nearly shimmering green around yellow, red and purple flowers that bloomed on certain spots of land. The sky was bright blue with a few white clouds that wisped by in front of the sun that was hanging brightly overhead. Despite the bright, sunny day, it was still rather cool that required those that went out to wear at least a light jacket.

A ways into the Grounds, a tall male stood with his hands shoved into his pockets and eyes cast downwards at two set stones; the wind moved his brown jacket and black hair. He shut his eyes and moved his head to look upwards, taking a deep inhale of the cool, afternoon air and letting the wind blow in his face. Thoughts swam through his head and he felt a pang in his chest; he brought his head down to look back at the plots of land just as a shadow came up next to his own.

“I thought I might find you here, Changmin.”

Changmin let a dim smile come across his face. “I just wanted to talk to hyung for a bit.” He turned his head in the direction of the speaker when a hand was placed upon his shoulder. He sighed and brought his attention back to the stones. “I still can’t believe it, you know.” Junsu adverted his gaze to the same two markers, his own chest feeling heavy. “I was looking forward to seeing everyone once I was discharged – figured we would all go out and catch up or something. Was I…a fool for thinking that?” He turned to look at Junsu. His eyebrows were furrowed up, creating a crease in his brow-line.

Junsu shook his head, exhaling strongly.

“Of course not.” He could still see the uncertainty in the other’s face. “No one could have known that this would happen. If you’re a fool, then we all are, because we all had the same idea stuck in our heads.”

Changmin turned to look back at the graves. White flowers were placed on top of them, still in full bloom, and he could not help but to reread the inscriptions on the tombstones. He had read them over and over again for months, as if hoping that they would change and the names that were on them would prove to be those of strangers. But every time he would come to visit, the names stayed the same and refused to change.

When he was discharged after serving his two years, after he saw his family and caught up with them, he wanted to find the ex-members of Dong Bang Shin Ki and see what they had been up to for the past twenty-three months. He was excited to see them again; but he never would have imagined finding that two of his old friends were gone to where he would never be able to see or talk to them again. His eyes traced the words on the headstones for the quintillionth time.

Kim Jaejoong

January 26, 1986 – November 7, 2013

“Beloved son, brother and friend. Forever in our memory. Eternal happiness in Paradise.”

 Right next to it was another:

Jung Yunho

February 6, 1986 – November 10, 2013

“Beloved son, brother and friend. Never forgotten. Standing by him in Paradise.”

Changmin inhaled, making Junsu look at him.

“I feel like such an idiot,” Changmin spoke, eyebrows still furrowed and mouth in a strange, nervous smile. Junsu’s face was turned into a quizzical look, not understanding what Changmin was going on about.

“Changmin?”

“I’m actually…jealous of Yunho.” His eyes glazed over as he continued to stare at his friends’ burial spots: Junsu just stared at him intently, still not getting what he meant. Changmin inhaled again as his eyes watered. “I’m jealous because…he had Jaejoong’s heart.” Junsu’s expression softened and he dropped his shoulders. He felt a jab to his chest, beginning to comprehend the young male. “It’s foolish, right?” Changmin asked rhetorically as a few drops fell down his face. He did not bother to wipe at them; it did not appear as though he was even aware of them. “They loved each other so much. So much that they followed each other…even to such lengths. And I…wish that I could have shared that connection with Jaejoong.” He looked at Junsu. Despite being in the military for two years, it did not appear that his innocence feigned in the slightest. “I’m a horrible person.”

Seeing him in his state, Junsu brought his arms up to hug him. “You’re not a horrible person, Changmin. You’re one of the most sensitive and caring guys I’ve ever met.” He started to rub Changmin’s back, hearing the other inhale again. “And you know that Jaejoong would tell you the exact same thing.”

The wind picked up again, rustling the trees and moving their hair and clothes. Flower petals were blown off of the trees and fell like snow onto the Grounds, covering the shimmering green grass in white and pink petals. Some of the petals landed on the two males, but were taken away just as quickly when another small gust blew. Junsu could not help but think how contradictory the weather was; how, despite everything that had happened, the world kept spinning and everything kept moving.

Life truly was fragile.

Changmin pulled back from Junsu, wiping his eyes with the palm of his hand. He looked towards the wind, watching as the petals blew around and by them.

“I was going to tell Jaejoong,” he said, still looking away from Junsu and into the wind. Junsu nodded absent mindedly. “When we first debuted, I remember thinking that hyung was so cool and felt so intimidated whenever I was around him. I kinda looked to him like a brother, you know? But as we all got to know each other, I guess everything started to change and I….” He sighed and shut his eyes, bringing his head to face the ground. “By the time I realized what had happened, he and Yunho had grown so close. I felt myself becoming angry at Yunho for doing what I couldn’t. But he made Jaejoong so happy. And if Jaejoong hyung was happy, then I was happy for him.”

He knew he was rambling and telling Junsu things that the other probably did not care to know, but he had kept it hidden for so long, he just wanted to talk to someone about it. He finally turned to look at Junsu. He expected to see the older male with a nearly bored expression playing with his features, but to his surprise, Junsu was actually looking at him sympathetically, like he understood what Changmin was going through.

“But I am a horrible person, hyung…and I know I am.”

“Changmin, you’re not—”

“I’m still mad at Yunho.” He looked back down at the grass, trying to avoid the other’s eyes. “Like it’s his fault that this had to happen. Because, had he not have been so cruel to Jaejoong during our final months as Dong Bang Shin Ki, this wouldn’t have happened at all and could have been avoided. But then…I’m mad at myself.”

“Why?”

Changmin inhaled again, glancing back to Junsu. “Because I saw how Jaejoong was feeling – saw that he was unhappy and I didn’t do anything. And I left him, too. I enlisted and left him alone.” Junsu shook his head, about ready to refute, but Changmin continued, not allowing him to get a word in. “I could have taken better care of him than Yunho. I wouldn’t have been cruel to him – I would have cared for him and treated him right.”

They went silent for a moment after that. However, the silence was not awkward. Birds chirping and the sound of the wind helped to avoid any prolonged silences. Junsu tried to think of something to say, but his mind drew a blank. Changmin had gone back to staring at the headstones, his eyes looking at them blankly. The only thought to run through Junsu’s head was the only thing he could verbalize.

“This isn’t anyone’s fault, you know,” Junsu said. It did not get a response. “We all knew how Yunho and Jaejoong felt towards each other and I know that Jaejoong would want you to know that nothing was because of you. He always looked after you, Changmin; even when you weren’t aware of it.” Changmin made a sideways glance to him, but kept their eyes from meeting. “I know you loved him, but do you honestly think that Jaejoong would want you to place blame on yourself?” Still no response. “You know he wouldn’t.” He put his hand back on Changmin’s shoulder. “You still have people that care about you, Changmin. People that don’t want to see you hurt.” He smiled softly when Changmin finally looked him in the eye. “People that do love you and will always be here for you.”

Changmin smiled, adverting his eyes towards the ground before looking back up. “Thank you, Junsu.”

“No problem.” Junsu patted Changmin on the shoulder. “Now, come on. I told Yoochun that we’d be back in time to go grab dinner.”

Changmin laughed lightly and they began to walk away from the set stones towards the exit of the cemetery. Another gust of wind blew by and Changmin shoved his hands in his pockets. “So where are we going, anyway?”

Junsu shrugged. “No idea. Some new place just opened up and Yoochun said he wanted to try it out.”

Changmin put his hand on his stomach. “I hope they have some good food, because I’m starving.”

Junsu laughed and grabbed Changmin around the shoulders, pulling him down. “When are you not hungry?”

“Never?”

They started laughing, leaving the Grounds behind.

_~end_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sorry (okay, maybe a little).  
> Please let me know what you thought! (^ ^*)

**Author's Note:**

> Please forgive the poor writing. (- v -)   
> I was a lot younger and not as proficient as I am today. 
> 
> That being said, I hope you're enjoying it and, if you are, I'll post the rest. (^ ^*)


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